Arsenal:
Almunia’s leaving. Wait, he was still there?
Aston Villa:
McLeish out. Solskjaer in?
Nope, not Solskjaer in. Lambert in? Not without a fight, lads.
Blackburn:
Yeah, you guys are in trouble.
The Yak to leave? Money to be raised? Anyone to know what’s happening? Doubt it.
Bolton:
Mass exodus! Except for Kevin Davies.
Next friendly match is against Crewe. They’re not bad y’know, only one division separates those two now.
Chelsea:
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
I mean, er yes, splendid stuff. Well done Drogba (who’s left). Not so well done to Terry (who’s an idiot, and has been banned for two games). Commiserations to Lampard (who’s crocked).
Everton:
On such a quick rise that Pienaar gets fined for speeding. That FA Cup semi-final defeat is still REALLY annoying. Moyes wisely sticking put.
Fulham:
Interestingly quiet. Mainly because the players they have going to the Euros might spring a surprise. The Pog is ready to roar for Russia, Duff and Kelly wait for Ireland.
Dempsey staying put. For now…
Liverpool:
King Kenny Dalglish? Worst manager ever!
Aside from the trophy, but come on, you’re not supposed to win trophies in football, you’re supposed to finish above Everton!
Sort it, Rodgers. And turn them into Barca whilst you’re at it.
Man City:
They get knocked down (by Barton), they get back up again. But they (Mario Balotelli) may walk off if you’re rude at the Euros.
Expect fireworks, but Not In My Bathroom.
Man United:
Second best team in PL. Now need to treat this like it isn’t a crisis.
However, finishing behind City probably is a crisis.
Awkward.
Newcastle United:
One Alan Pardew! There’s only one Alan Pardew!
Though playing in Europe and trying to finish in top five again might be tricky.
Best team in North East though? You betcha.
Norwich City:
For pity’s sake. Worst end to a season ever.
Beat Villa, help get McLeish sacked.
Then let Holt throw a strop and Ruddy injure himself.
And then let Villa try to bag Lambert.
WHO RUNS THIS CLUB?!?
QPR:
Joey Barton banned for twelve matches for callously kicking someone from behind in broad daylight? And PL survival? That’ll do nicely.
And Jamie Mackie’s staying. If the boy can score against Man City, he’s worth his weight in gold.
Stoke City:
Tony Pulis carried the Olympic Torch. No other news needed.
Sunderland:
They tried to get the ball past Bramble, he said “Hang on, I’ve got a court case here owing to excessive amounts of alcohol”.
Bramble is then derided as a terrible songwriter and a slightly better defender.
Swansea City:
Why did you leave, Rodgers?!? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?
Tottenham:
We won! Which means we lost.
But we still have Harry! Who’s annoyed with the FA.
But we still have our players! Until someone buys them.
But we still have Levy!
Ah.
West Brom:
You’re Rangnicked, boys. Hopefully. Says here the Tinkerman looked at you and thought, “It’s not Monaco, is it?”
McLeish will stay away if he knows what’s good for him.
Likewise McCarthy.
Wigan:
Watch them every season since 2006 as they make the likelihood of relegation… DISAPPEAR.
Martinez is staying put. Hurrah!
Wolves:
Are you still here, lads?
Or are you just being betrayed, Kevin Foley? Might have been an idea to have helped keep your side up, m’boy. Instead of being thumped 5-0 by Fulham.
I was there. Had the impression you could play.
WHO’S BETRAYED NOW, KEVIN?
That’ll be all.
EveningStanners
